Ok I confess I am a teenie bit guilty of parenting by iPhone. Don't be too alarmed. I don't mean that I give directions to Siri and he sorts them while I go out.
'Siri- feed the kids'
'What's that, you want to feed me to your kids'
'Oh FFS Siri stop being a cock or I will feed you to them'
No, what I mean is, there are times I stick an app on and leave them to it- The break is needed. Here play Peppa Pig stamps on the happy chickens game and shut up.
Or I allow the 7 year old to watch some random American kids sitcom because it keeps her in a seated position for around 30 minutes.
Its just an extension of a toy really. An expensive toy but it does the job for long enough to get something productive done like file my unpainted nails, or shave my legs.
There are certain things you can't live without as a parent tho. Google is one of them.
I have a 'why' child. The 3 year old asks 'why' after every single statement or comment that leaves my mouth and even when I give him an answer to his first 'why', he asks 'why' to the answer and I think my mind is slowly hanging itself from a tree.!
Sometimes, I just don't know 'why'! So I've found myself googling random stuff in preparation.
'Why is the sun hot', 'why do we have skin', 'why do old people have wrinkles', 'why is hair called hair', 'why do cows moo'.. Just google anything but put 'why' before it. He's never asked me any of the things above, but he might. And I'm ready. In fact, I googled on my iPhone. Without Siri.
Another must have is my trainers. I need to work out. If I didn't work out I would knock someone out. It really is that simple.
I like to run run as fast as I can, like the gingerbread man, only you can catch me because I'm quite slow all things considering.
But that's my de-stressor. I get to go to the gym and mix with my weird gym friends and forget speaking gaga goo goo for an hour, (well to be honest some of my friends there would respond to that kind of talk)
I don't have to shout at anyone for making a mess, no-one follows me to the toilet (if they do I haven't noticed them yet). And it gives me an excuse to eat cake because I've burnt some hip flesh off.
Another essential is tinned or pre packaged dinners. I'm no Nigella and she's only Nigella because she hasn't got kids. Can you imagine her doing Nigellas Kitchen with a few kids snapping around her feet.
She gets the bowl, looks seductively into the camera hears a commotion behind then turns and says 'Oi you little shits, will you get down off there!' (Bit common is Nigella, her posh TV voice is like my phone voice- just put on.) Ok, back to seductively looking at the camera, puts finger in bowl, scoops large amount of cake mix onto finger and begins the journey to her mouth... Then hears... 'NOO mummy, you promised I could lick the bowl out, I want to lick it, I want to lick it, you promised... Waaaaaah'
*Nigella sticks head in oven*
So, pre packaged it is. Rip off the plastic, stick in the oven or microwave, *ping ping*, grubs up, come and eat. Job done. Less dishes. Less stress. Less mess.
Equally essential to parents are seats in trolleys at supermarkets. Seats with restraints. Sorry, seat belts. It's just me that uses them as restraints.
I hate taking the kids shopping, hate it. There isn't a single pleasure in this chore.
The tinned aisle is boring, the frozen section too cold, the fish counters too smelly and a bit eerie, those fish eyes follow you around, the sweet aisle should be fun but is fraught with whining and crying for sweets, the check out desk is arduous and an extension of the sweet aisle ordeal - So now, I just restrain them.
I don't care that I have to bend the oldest one into a weird shape to get her in a seat. I don't care that I use those seat belts to wrap round the 3 years olds body then wrap round the trolley metal bars in a reef knot to stop any potential escapes. I do it to survive the ordeal and to keep the public safe.
You would thank me if you'd experienced any visits in the past around us.
The most essential essential is a big fat glass of wine followed by the bottle! And copious amounts of tea and/coffee throughout the day. This is the legal high needed for basic survival.
The wine is a dampener.
Rough day mommy? Well judging from the dragged through a hedge backward hair, the lack of ability to sit upright, the black bin liners sat under the eye area - I'd say so. But the wine dampens the madness and brings a drunken calm to the proceedings and the little devils turn into little darlings all sweet and lovable tucked up in bed.
This is the only time you feel so calm and at peace with the world. I've yet to meet a tee-total parent. I've surveyed many a blue bin on blue bin emptying day and saw what can only be described as remnants of surviving parents..! Clink chink clink chink.
There are other basic essentials which I will list for you so that you can check your own bag. I'm so helpful. You don't have to thank me:
-Plasters, (also double up as a gag if you place band aid over lips)
- Spare pants, (mums wee by accident when they laugh) oh sorry, I did mean for the kids,
- Sting cream
- Lots of change for various vending machines or crap toy machines
- Baby wipes/wet wipes (double up as toilet tissue if you go into a public convenience that turns out to be inconvenient because there's no loo roll),
- Toy (iPhone/iPad/other tablets are available but sometimes a bit crap)
- Tissues (when you have kids you always have a boogie on you by the end of the day- do yourself a favour and carry Kleenex)
- Sun cream (so you can slather your paler than pale child in cream to make them even more pale)
- Some sweets (The books say don't bargain or bribe with food- but the book isn't in the shop with a ridiculous child who is laying out with an arched back kicking off about not being able to do something or other- hell my 3 yr old once had a full blown meltdown because I wouldn't Climb onto the internal roof of Asda with a ladder because he could see a Fireman Sam helium balloon up there!
A few blue sweets later and he soon came round to my way of thinking.
So that's your daily suitcase packed. You're ready to go parent in public.
I can't be held responsible for any items missed or tantrums that still occur. I've said before, children are the most random creatures known to man. We should've stuck to playing with dolls - we didn't- so here we go....
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